prayer | Michael Valliant

Much to ponder, much to cherish, much to lament

It’s been a heavy season of late. Funerals, hospice, medical, pastoral, for friends and family. When things are heavy, I often seek solitude and frequently that leads me to find some space in Oxford, the town where I grew up and continue to grow.

A couple Sundays ago, after our church services were done, I drove down to Oxford. It ended up being Plein Air day and the town, and the park where I often sit, were full of people. That and the park benches being in full sun, I walked to the end of Market Street, where there is a shaded bench next to Town Creek.

I sat quietly for a while, breathing and feeling a welcome breeze on my face. And then I pulled out three books I’ve been working on:

“Theo of Golden” by Allen Levi
“Four Quartets” by T.S. Eliot
“What Grows in Weary Lands” by Tish Harrison Warren

“Theo of Golden” is a novel that has been making its way around our congregation, talked up, talked about, and sometimes copies are passed around. A friend sent me a copy a few months ago, which I started, loved, and then reading for sermon prep, small groups, etc., took over, and I have been happy to pick it back up.

Getting to the end of the chapter I was reading, Levi wrote:

“There was, and would be, much to ponder.
Much to cherish.
Much to lament.”

I put the book down. That’s life. Every single day. We have much to ponder, much to cherish, much to lament. It is always a gift, each of those things, because to lament is wrapped up in loving. Loving opens us to lament. When we can love and cherish this life, we are fully living. Lamenting is a part of all of that, knowing that our time here is limited.

I read more in each of the books, enjoyed the company of other Market Street walkers who stopped and sat on the bench and enjoyed the shade and the breeze, and then moved along.

Among my practices for solitude is walking or running and that day was a walking day. I walked down Banks Street, cut onto Tilghman Street, and up Stewart Avenue, walking by a house where a friend and Little League baseball teammate lived, and it was his house where I first watched the slasher film classic, “Friday the 13th.” As all 11-year-old kids should (kidding).

Oxford is a town made up of memories for me, where the present and the past blend together. I wrote something about that in the August issue of Tidewater Times. Though the town has changed, it still feels like home, which is part of why I am drawn there.

I walked up onto The Strand and found a tree to sit under near the Oxford-Bellevue Ferry Dock. There I dug further into Eliot’s “Four Quartets.” I have lost count of how many times I have read this poem/book, it is one of a handful of books (mostly poetry) that I can and do carry in a backpack for quick and frequent access. Break glass/open book in case of existential emergency, or for inspiration, or to ponder, cherish, lament.

“Four Quartets” is divided into four sections, and I try to read a full section at a time. That day it was “East Coker.” Here is a stretch that jumped out at me:

“… Do not let me hear
Of the wisdom of old men, but rather of their folly,
Their fear of fear and frenzy, their fear of possession,
Of belonging to another, or to others, or to God.
The only wisdom we can hope to acquire
Is the wisdom of humility: humility is endless.”

I try to keep the wisdom of humility close to my heart day to day, moment by moment. If you are a follower, or even a fan of Jesus, humility was part of the marrow of his Incarnation. If you look back over the history of humanity, when we lose humility, we lose ourselves, and one way or another, individually and/or collectively, a crash/fall is in the works.

Eliot’s “Four Quartets” teaches or reminds me of something every time I pick it up. If I string things together, actively pondering, cherishing, and lamenting should keep us humble.

Though I also read “What Grows in Weary Lands” on my Oxford walkabout, the chapter that connects here is one I read a few days later on our back porch.

Tish Harrison Warren shares a wisdom story from the sayings of the Christian Desert Fathers and Mothers. It’s the story of three friends who were monks, who were all earnest and faithful:

“One of them, motivated by the call in Matthew’s Gospel to be a peacemaker, chose to spend his time seeking to ‘make peace between people who were at odds.’ The second monk, motivated by Christ’s concern for the vulnerable, decided to ‘visit the sick.’ The third chose to ‘go away to be quiet in solitude.’

“The first monk did some good helping others to reconcile, but he grew sad over conflicts he could not solve. He felt ‘overcome with weariness.’ So he went to visit his friend who was tending the sick, only to discover that his friend, too, was ‘flailing in spirit.’

“The two men visited the third monk and told him about their exhaustion and sense of futility–what today we might call burnout.

“The third monk sat silently for a long while, then he poured water into a cup. ‘Look at the water,’ he said. The water was murky with silt. But after they sat together for a while, the water settled. ‘See now, how clear the water has become. So it is with anyone who lives in a crowd; because of the turbulence, he does not see his sins: but when he has been quiet, above all in solitude, then he recognizes his own faults.”

Loving, helping, and caring for others is part of why we are here. And if we are constantly focusing on others, we can lose ourselves, the things we need to work on, our own shortcomings, and also our own connection to and relationship with God.

Of course the monastic Desert Fathers and Mothers are going to drive home the need for solitude. And it is a teaching and message that resonates with my soul.

Warren brings the point home:

“This story implies that solitude and silence are our orienting goals, the re-humanizing rhythms that teach us that we are not, in fact, machines, but creatures–creatures with faults, limits, beauty, and worth, creatures made to dwell deeply with God.

“If we see solitude and stillness primarily as a means to more productivity, we will try to get by with just enough to keep us going and no more. But if these practices are essential to our very being, to our purpose and humanity, then we will orient our work and our days, our weeks and our years, around them.”

That’s what I was looking for in my Oxford walking, sitting, and reading. That’s what I look for in centering prayer, in mornings on the back porch–“to dwell deeply with God,” to rehumanize.

We have four-week small group studies of Warren’s book coming up in August at Christ Church Easton and I am looking forward to our discussions and how we might help ourselves reconnect and dwell deeply with God, especially during seasons where that can feel difficult.

Goals for any/every given day: ponder, cherish, lament, mind the wisdom of humility, dwell deeply with God.

To do these things, solitude, silence, and stillness are required.

Making Time

Yesterday I made time. I knew I needed to. Stress has been high, sleep has been hard to come by, mental, emotional, and physical clutter were building in my body.

I threw books, a notebook, and pens in a bag. Parked at the Oxford Conservation Park, hopped on a skateboard and cruised for a bit. I found some shoreline near my thinking/praying tree at the Oxford Cemetery. And I sat. And breathed. And prayed. And listened. And watched. And read.

Marcus Aurelius had this to say in his “Meditations”–

Everything is transitory–the knower and the known.

Constant awareness that everything is born from change. The knowledge that there is nothing nature loves more than to alter what exists and make new things like it. All that exists is the seed of what will emerge from it. You think the only seeds are the ones that make plants or children. Go deeper.

Even when we know that’s true, change can still be tough to take in. I’ve become a fan of Ryan Holiday and The Daily Stoic and his Painted Porch Bookshop near Austin, Texas. He motivated me to pull Marcus off my bookshelf. Holiday points out the tenet of stoicism that asserts that we can’t control much of what life throws at us, but we can control how we respond to it. That’s something to sit with.

This is what Luci Shaw says in her poem, “Few Words”–

To write with
restraint, with
few words,
is to give each
a great power
that stands
for itself on
the page–
this red bird,
that crescent moon.
Each sentinel
of meaning
pointing us
to what
it stands for.

I prefer to write and speak with few words. The right ones when I am lucky enough. To listen more than I talk. Creation, God, and other people have much more to offer than I do.

A friend sent me a copy of Allen Levi’s “Theo of Golden” in the mail, saying it seemed like it would resonate with me. When I started reading it, the story starts a short time before Easter. I am a sucker for books that correspond in time to where we are, so I jumped in. It’s too early to write about the book in itself, but I am drawn to three ideas on the blurb on the back of the book.

It says it is a novel about:

“the power of creative generosity”
“the importance of wonder to a purposeful life”
“the individual threads of kindness that bind us to one another”

The phrase “creative generosity” has been on my mind since reading it. We can be generous with money, generous with time, in ways that have become expected. But what does it mean to be creative with our generosity? To offer something unexpected? What does it feel like to receive creative generosity? Like someone sending you a book unexpectedly in the mail, thinking it may speak to you or wake up something in you?

Wonder is my jam. I’ve written “Wired for Wonder” as my mantra or a guiding principle. The idea of the “importance of wonder to a purposeful life” is intriguing. Bringing wonder and purpose together is both necessary, but often overlooked. I want to walk farther down this path.

We get that kindness is a good thing and that we should be kind to one another and to ourselves. Well, we might not all understand that, but we should. That kindness binds us to each other, I want to dwell and reflect more on that. We need to realize the connective threads of our humanity more these days than I can express.

Though I have started and am loving “Theo of Golden,” the gift of these phrases and thoughts before I even opened it, is its own creative generosity.

Yesterday I made time to sit and read outside when I almost didn’t. This morning I made time to write it down and share it with those who will take the time to read it. Today, I hope you make time to do what the Spirit calls you to do.

What Do We Do with John 3:16?

“For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not perish but may have eternal life.”

This is likely the most quoted verse in the New Testament. For we Christians, it is probably the most quoted verse in the whole Bible. We see it held up on signs by fans at sporting events, printed on billboards, worn on t-shirts.

My brother-in-law and I, decades ago, once made a John 3:16 sign with markers and poster board and floated it across a narrow channel on the bay side of Ocean City in the middle of the night and took pictures of ourselves standing on a small island ironically holding our John 3:16 sign to show that we had claimed and conquered the island.

Which is to say: so what? This quote encapsulates something key and wonderful about our faith. What do we do with it, or about it? What do we do with it in terms of our lifestyle? How does it change the way we live our lives?

For too many people, I don’t think it translates, by itself, into a transformed life or consciousness.

It makes me think sometimes, what if the most quoted lines in the New Testament or the Bible for Christians were:

Or Matthew 5:9, which says: “Blessed are the Peacemakers”

Or John 13:35: “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”

Or Matthew 25:40, “Just As You Did to One of the Least of These You Did to Me”

How much different would our view of ourselves or our impact on the world be, if what we quoted talked about grace embodied, not simply grace received?

Or what if we included John 3:17 as part of our marketing message to complete the “God so loved the world” thought, and we read, “God did not send the Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.”

Jesus came to do something wonderful, something transformational, something life-changing for the people of the world. John 3:16, by itself, hasn’t seemed to have that effect on those who read it or hear it.

But Jesus gives us something to work with in his conversation with Nicodemus. He asks us to think, and to change, if necessary, rather than just shouting out Scripture.

We know this story a bit, don’t we? Nicodemus, who is a Pharisee, a leader of the Jews, comes to Jesus at night. He comes at night so no one sees him talking to Jesus. Going to Jesus for teaching could ruin Nicodemus’s reputation. Jesus is not an “insider,” he challenges the Pharisees. But there is something in Nicodemus that needs to meet with Jesus, to know what he’s all about.

Nicodemus begins his conversation with incredible vulnerability:

“Rabbi, we know that you are a teacher who has come from God; for no one can do these signs that you do apart from the presence of God.”

Can you imagine, going up to someone who challenges the way you think, the way you act, the way you live your life, and leading with that kind of admission? Wanting to learn from them? Would I have the guts to do that? Would you?

And Jesus answers in a way that sends Nicodemus reeling:

“Very truly, I tell you, no one can see the kingdom of God without being born from above.”

Oh, wow. I guess I should have warned you about this. There are two parts of today’s reading that can be sticky for those outside the faith, those who are looking in at Christianity. This is where we get the term and idea of “born again Christian.”

Born-again Christians have their own reputations as being the people you don’t want to run into at the grocery store or a concert. They are thought of as pushier, over-zealous. And overly interested in whether YOU have been born again or saved.

That’s another aspect of this reading that has gotten a bad rap. What does Jesus mean when he says born from above? That’s what Nicodemus is trying to wrap his head around.

Jesus, this is crazy talk. Once we are born from our mothers, we can’t be born again. We’re already here.

And Jesus says, that’s not the kind of birth I’m talking about. We’re all born of the flesh. I’m talking about the Spirit.

“No one can enter the kingdom of God without being born of water and Spirit. What is born of the flesh is flesh, and what is born of the Spirit is spirit.”

This is a spiritual birth, or re-birth. In Nicodemus’s defense, this is a hard concept to get our heads around, especially if you’ve never experienced or heard about something like this. I recently came across something that strikes me as a helpful way to think about being reborn.

In his book, “The Healing Path,” author James Finley talks about becoming a clinical psychologist, this is after having lived for years as a monk and then becoming a spiritual retreat leader. During his doctoral studies, he had a year-long internship at a Veterans Administration Hospital and Finley was assigned to an inpatient alcohol treatment unit.

Many of the men there for treatment were Vietnam vets. You can imagine that alcohol abuse was only a part of what they were dealing with.

Finley learned that some years earlier the men on the unit developed an initiation rite for those who wanted to be admitted to the program. He watched it as a new person came in for the first time.

He said that all the men sat in chairs lined around the walls of the room, except for two empty chairs in the center of the room, left facing each other. The man seeking to be admitted sat in one chair, and one of the men in the unit who was conducting the initiation sat in the other.

And he asked the newcomer, “What do you love the most?” The guy was confused, caught off-guard, and said, “My wife.” And all the guys along the walls got loud, gave him a hard time, shouted some things.

He was asked again, “What do you love the most?” The newcomer thought and said, “My children.” Same response from the men, raucous, not having it.

The same question, “What do you love most?” And finally the newcomer answered, “Alcohol.”

And the moment he said it, all the men stood, gave him a standing ovation, the newcomer was asked to stand and one by one, every man there lined up to hug him and welcome him into their midst, as one of them. And everyone in the room, Finley included, had tears running down their faces.

Finley writes about the newcomer, “In his moment of awakening, he was vulnerable… As the man stood there with tears streaming down his face, he was childlike, meaning he was guileless and open-faced, free of posing and posturing. And in his child-like transparency, true spiritual maturity was being manifested in the world…

“He knew nothing. In this unknowing, all his foggy assumptions, conclusions, and answers that were formed and sustained in his addiction were eclipsed by a luminous, empty-handed understanding that lit up his mind and heart in ways that he had not as yet even begun to comprehend.”

“He was dying before our very eyes. For in this moment the alcoholic in him that, for so many years claimed to have the final say in who he was, was dying. And in this death he was being born before our very eyes as someone newly emerging out of the darkness into the light.”

This was a man, who was being born again. His old life, his old self, was dying. And a new life was beginning. He had to surrender his old way of seeing and being, everything about that life, in order for a new life, a new birth to start.

That’s a powerful metaphor for us, who are being given a chance to let go of the life the powers of the world have us living and opening ourselves to being born anew in the Spirit, with how Jesus calls us to live.

This is not the kind of birth we can see with our eyes, like the birth of a newborn baby. Jesus says, you can’t see the wind, you don’t know where it comes from or goes, but we know it from the sound.

We know the new life in someone born of the spirit by their life. By who they are and what they show us.

At the time when this Gospel was written, it was unthinkable that someone could declare “I believe” and not have it show in their life. If you had received and accepted this amazing grace of God so loving the world that he gave his only Son—you would embody that grace—you would live it out in the world.

I love this quote by writer Debie Thomas who says:

“When the writers of the Hebrew Bible and the New Testament wrote of faithfulness, they were not advocating for intellectual assent. They were making a case for trust, fidelity, dependence, and love. To believe in God was to place their loving confidence in God. To entrust their hearts, minds, and bodies into God’s hands… What does it mean to believe in Jesus? It means becoming a newborn: vulnerable, hungry, and ready to receive reality in a fresh way. It means coming out of the shadows and risking the light… Why is belief important to God? Because love is important to God. To believe is to BE LOVE.”

This may all sound crazy. It certainly did to Nicodemus. Nicodemus came to Jesus at night, in secret, hoping to understand what he was all about. And he leaves that night perplexed and confused.

But that’s not the end of the story for Nicodemus. He is one of the few characters we encounter in the Gospels who we get to see again two more times in the story.

In John chapter 7, the temple police ask the Pharisees why they don’t arrest Jesus and it is Nicodemus who steps in to defend Jesus saying, “Our law doesn’t judge people without first giving them a hearing does it?”

And then again, in John chapter 19, after Jesus has been crucified, it is Nicodemus, “who first came to Jesus at night” who brings a mixture of myrrh and aloes, weighing 100 pounds; who with Joseph of Arimathea takes Jesus’s body, prepares it and wraps it in linens, and lays Jesus in the tomb.

This was at huge personal risk to Nicodemus—being associated with the man who had just been publicly executed.

Nicodemus leaves his first meeting with Jesus confused, humbled, and probably heartbroken, not understanding what it means to be born of the Spirit.

And then, as he lives, as he prays, as he thinks, Nicodemus, risking his reputation and his life, shows us what it looks like to be born again, of the Spirit.

Maybe this reading is not about the waving a sign in the stands.

It’s not simply about receiving the grace of John 3:16.

Maybe it’s about embodying that grace once we’ve received it. Maybe it looks like risking our reputation, risking ourselves, risking the light—being vulnerable and open to Jesus so that we can give up our old way of living to be born again of the Spirit.

Being Salt and Light

Background: last weekend I preached at Christ Church Easton on our lectionary reading, Matthew 5:13-20, where Jesus tells those listening to his Sermon on the Mount that they are the salt of the earth and the light of the world. This is the text of my sermon, bouncing off of Bishop Jake Owensby’s book “A Full-Hearted Life” and commentary from the SALT Project blog.

“Being Salt and Light”

This is our second week sorting through parts of Jesus’s Sermon on the Mount, as it’s come to be known in Matthew’s Gospel. The full sermon goes from chapter 5 through chapter 7.

Jesus sees crowds of people gathering and he goes up a mountain, sits down and teaches.

It begins with the Beatitudes: the “blessed are” statements, where those considered “blessed” are not people many would consider fortunate or lucky. Last Sunday on Zoom, Rev. Anne Wright walked us through the Beatitudes, pointing out that being blessed isn’t about having good things happen to us; part of the blessing is that when we go through difficult times, God is with us. We are blessed in being close to God and not being alone in our dark nights of the soul.

This week’s reading picks up right where last week left off. Continuing to teach, Jesus tells his disciples, his listeners, that they are the salt of the earth and the light of the world. Those things are great, but they come with a warning: if salt has lost its taste, you have to throw it out, and don’t hide your light, let it shine so that others can see.

What does it mean to be salt and light? Let’s take a look at a few things here.

First, Jesus isn’t asking his listeners to become something new; he doesn’t tell them to “become” salt and light. He says, you ARE these things already. In the book we’ve been reading in small groups, “A Full-Hearted Life” by Episcopal Bishop Jake Owensby, he reminds us that we are all God’s beloved. God made us with and out of love. We don’t have to do anything, we are loved.

We are salt and light. Jesus is telling his listeners, and us, to act like it; to be who we were created to be.

Another aspect to this, salt losing its flavor or light being covered up: our faith is not supposed to be a hollow faith. It’s not a matter of doing things because we are supposed to do them. Even things like going to church, helping the poor, praying—all things that are good for us to do, but not if we are going through the motions; doing them because we are told to do them.

Bishop Owensby in talking about the world and the church today says that we see a lot of “functional atheism.” He says:

“a longing for the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Moses—a longing for a relationship with the risen Christ—no longer animates the lives of many people, even church-going, creed-professing people. Our life-shaping desire is no longer focused on the Transcendent God. Many lives—including the lives of self-identified Christians—are centered on things of this world.”

One of the things Owensby points out is that many lives are centered around work, instead of our relationship with Christ. He says “workism,” is “the belief that work is not only necessary to economic production, but also the centerpiece of one’s identity and life’s purpose.”

Workism is a spirituality that measures human value as a function of productivity and efficiency. Workism “distorts worship, prayer, feeding the hungry, housing the homeless, and all spiritual practices into transactions.”

If you are coming to church, or you consider yourself a Christian, just because you want to go to heaven, or so you will be well thought of in the community, those are transactions.

Owensby says that spiritual practices are supposed to be “responses to the infinite love that God has always already given us, not pleas to receive what we do not have.”

We are already God’s beloved. All of us. We are already salt and light.

Faith is not performative. It’s meant to be heart-centered. It’s meant to be a response to, and a part of, our relationship with God.

As Jesus continues teaching to the crowds, he says:

“Do not think that I have come to abolish the law or the prophets; I have come not to abolish but to fulfill. For truly I tell you, until heaven and earth pass away, not one letter, not one stroke of a letter, will pass from the law until all is accomplished.”

Okay, Jesus, that’s a bit of a head-scratcher. What does it mean to “fulfill” the law? Here is what our friends over at the SALT Project website have to say:

“the underlying notion is that when something is “fulfilled,” it’s truly embodied, incarnated, filled out, brought to life. When we “fulfill a responsibility,” for example, we perform it — we give it form… To “fulfill the law,” then, is to embody its essential features, to “fill out” and exemplify its meaning, spirit, and substance.”

Jesus has come to embody, fill out, bring the law to life. If we want to see what it looks like to live out the law—look at Jesus. If we want to see what it looks like to be salt and light: look at Jesus.

As he continues his Sermon on the Mount, Jesus is going to spell out in greater detail how we are to live, some of the things we are to do in fulfilling the law the way that he does.

The difference between “following the law” and “fulfilling the law” can be the difference between salt that’s lost its flavor and light that’s being hidden, and the salt and light we were created to be.

The laws say: don’t murder anyone, don’t steal, don’t commit adultery, don’t covet, don’t worship false idols.

Are we being salt and light if all we are doing is following these laws, these “don’ts?”

What’s the difference between following and fulfilling these laws? Later on in Matthew’s Gospel, Jesus is pressed on which law or commandment is the greatest and he replies:

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the greatest and first commandment. And a second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.”

It’s not a statement on our actions, it starts with our hearts. It isn’t just don’t do these things that are harmful; we are meant to love God and love each other.

If we love God, we won’t worship work and put works as idols where we are meant to put God. If we love each other, we are not going to murder, steal, or covet.

Being salt and light happens when we soften our hearts in love and turn away from making the things that the world seems to hold dear—money, power, status—the center of our lives.

This is counter-cultural today and it was counter-cultural in Jesus’s time. It’s not a message we hear from CEOs to stockholders, but it’s the message Jesus tries to get through to his followers in order to change the world; to bring about the kingdom of heaven. We are made by God to love and be loved.

If from our hearts we love God with everything we have and we love our neighbors, we don’t argue with each other whether it’s okay to kill someone, or not pay them a living wage, or to treat them as less than human. If we act with and from love, we know what to do. We know how to be salt and light.

The order of the Sermon on the Mount matters here. Jesus starts with talking about blessings and then says you are salt and light.

He doesn’t say: go be salt and light and then you will be blessed. He says even when you don’t think you are blessed, you are. You are salt and light. Being so, go do what salt and light do.

It’s not a matter of performing our duties. It’s a matter of sharing the love we receive from God to be a blessing to others.

We aren’t required to do this; we get to do this.

We are loved and made to love others. We are blessed and made to bless others.

This is not something we can force or yell at or argue into someone. These are inherent gifts, given to us, that we get to share in gratitude with joy and love.

And if that feels like pressure, to be salt and light in a world that desperately needs both, what do we know about salt:

It takes just a little salt to add flavor to whatever you are making. You are enough.

What do we know about light? If you are in a dark room, a match, a candle, a flashlight, or even the light from your phone, all of a sudden illuminates the whole room.

You are enough to make a difference. It’s who you were created to be.

We have Jesus as our model. We have the Holy Spirit as our guide and helper. And we have each other to both encourage and be encouraged by.

We can start by sharing God’s love with those around us. We can do our small part. And be a part of where things go from there.

We can do this, following Jesus, with God’s help.

With This Thirst

Sitting on the bank of the cove, watching a Weeping Willow move in the wind and feeling the same breeze on my skin is worth waking up for. I’ve been looking for this solitude and this quiet. Ordination to the priesthood is this Saturday and I want to rest in the afternoon.

The current is coming to a head from opposite directions and swirling right in front of me. I’m sitting under my praying/thinking tree at the Oxford Cemetery, where family and friends are buried and over the past year I have officiated funerals. This is a place where past, present, and future dwell together.

The cove itself is home if a body of water can be home: I’ve gotten boots stuck in the mud here at low tide as a kid, canoed, come and gone by Boston Whaler, kayaks, and paddleboards. That’s part of what draws me here to pray and listen, to read and write, and skateboard to get to the spot.

“Oh, feed me this day, Holy Spirit, with
the fragrance of the fields and the
freshness of the oceans which you have
made, and help me to hear and to hold
in all dearness those exacting and wonderful
words of our Lord Jesus Christ, saying:
Follow me.”

–Mary Oliver, from “Six Recognitions of the Lord”

Mary Oliver should be read outside. I have her book “Thirst” and Frederick Buechner’s “The Alphabet of Grace” with me. “Follow me.” That’s it in a hazel nut.

I get up and skate back to and around the conservation park. It’s lightly raining, the kind of rain that wakes your skin up. I stop when I see purple, per Alice Walker’s advice, which I follow meticulously. Then I head over to the Oxford Park.

Twelve years ago this month, I sat in the park reading this same copy of Buechner’s book. I look back over what I underlined then. This was at the end of a summer (2013) where I knew in my bones that I was supposed to go to seminary. It made no sense. I reached out to Fr. John Merchant, the chaplain at St. James School when I was there, and he told me it didn’t have to make sense. I read Buechner and Barbara Brown Taylor and Thomas Merton and I was stirred and moved and then laid all that aside, taking a job to head back to Washington, DC, to work as a technical writer.

I don’t have words to describe what the 12 years in between have been, except to say heels-over-head, upside down, life-changing; from profound heartbreak to indescribable joy, confusion and clarity, discernment, wonder, awe, gratitude, and everything in between, ultimately shedding some parts of myself and growing in others to where I feel alive in ways I wasn’t. Living now with my whole and open heart.

Here’s a bit of Buechner:

“You are alive. It needn’t have been so. It wasn’t so once, and it will not be so forever. But it is so now. And what is it like: to be alive in this maybe one place of all places where life is? Live a day of it and see. Take any day and be alive in it. Nobody claims that it will be painless, but no matter. It is your birthday, and there are many presents to open. The world is to open.”

Part of that I underlined 12 years ago, but it didn’t register. Each day is new, each day is a gift that we get to live and be alive in. Be grateful.

In the park, I often sit on a bench set off to the side at the edge. It’s in the shade. As I sit there, a child belly-laughs on the swing with her father; a workboat motors down to pull into the marina nearby; a man pulls his crabpots up on his dock; people and dogs come and go; the sun breaks through the clouds infrequently but unmistakably.

Today isn’t a day for revelations. It’s a day to rest and be glad in. It’s a day to breathe, a day to smile, a day to pray. I finish Mary Oliver’s book with the title poem, “Thirst,” which I have been reading a lot lately:

“Another morning and I wake with thirst
for the goodness I do not have. I walk
out to the pond and all the way God has
given us such beautiful lessons. Oh Lord,
I was never a quick scholar but sulked
and hunched over my books past the
hour and the bell; grant me, in your
mercy, a little more time. Love for the
earth and love for you are having such a
long conversation in my heart. Who
knows what will finally happen or
where I will be sent, yet already I have
given a great many things away, expect-
ing to be told to pack nothing, except the
prayers which, with this thirst, I am
slowly learning.”

With this thirst, I am slowly learning.

A Personal Prayer

When I walked to the shoreline, there was a Kingfisher just down the bank.

Across the creek, a Great Blue Heron plodded.

This morning I got a note from a friend who has cancer and is struggling through treatment. He was flown to Hopkins and is in the ICU. He asked for prayer.

I prayed. I wrote and sent him a prayer. I am praying. I will be praying. I haven’t stopped. It never feels like enough.

What I want for him is a miracle. A return to health and home and family and worship and all the things he loves and that love him back.

How about a miracle, God? Have you seen the world lately? Have you seen how we behave? How we treat one another? Most of us don’t deserve miracles. But you still give them. I can’t always figure out why or where, but it’s not on me to do that. Miracles are you, God.

I can hear Bob Weir singing, “I need a miracle every day”–and I get that.

I feel it in my soul–the miracles of morning coffee and a hug in the kitchen, and making breakfast for my daughters, of a world where the seasons change and there are Kingfishers and Herons on the shoreline.

I think of the ICU. Where miracles are breath. And modern medicine. Doctors and nurses. Love of family. Technology. Communication. Patience. Time. Prayer. Hope.

I sit on the shoreline praying for my friend. I feel your presence all around me.

A jet flies over with its landing gear down; it’s a majestic sound and sight. It’s a miracle you’ve given us through the minds, reason, and intellect you created in us.

I pray now with tears in my eyes for multiple friends with cancer who love you and who share your love with others.

We all need miracles every day. Send some extras to those with cancer and to their families. Keep them connected to your love, your peace, your healing.

I lift them up to you, God.

Thanks for listening.

Love you.

Amen.

Showing Up

This slow morning time, unrushed with coffee and reading and writing and prayer and wonder and gratitude, is important enough for me to get up before everyone else; to find and carve out a spot in the still dark; to turn on a light like a starting gun—sitting down to begin, but not a race, permission, time, a gift.

Sometimes it is something I see: hummingbirds and Cardinals, butterflies, cats jumping fences or lounging on the porch, the dog curled on the tile floor.

Sometimes it is something I hear: I have learned the Indigo Bunting’s song, the snorting of deer on their path beyond the fence, the fish pond’s filter, peepers or bullfrogs, cicadas in the trees.

Sometimes it is something I read: a poem, Scripture, commentary, a story, an essay, a question.

Sometimes it’s writing: spinning a thought into a sentence, finding new words for something I have felt my whole life or just felt for the first time, lending voice to compassion or wonder, the beginning of a sermon, an epiphany small or large.

Sometimes it comes in prayer: a word, a question, a connection, a feeling, a name, a calling, a passion, tears, laughter, a smile.

What I know: I only get these gifts if I show up.

Living the Gospel: vulnerable, dependent, together

Background: Last weekend was a preaching weekend for me at Christ Church Easton. The Gospel reading for the lectionary was Luke 10:1-11, 16-20, where Jesus sends 70 followers out ahead of him to towns and place he will go, with specific instructions as to how they are to interact with people. Following is the transcript of my sermon.

“Living the Gospel: vulnerable, dependent, together”

In last week’s reading, we saw Jesus set his face toward Jerusalem and send people ahead to get things ready for him. The disciples were not well received when they got to a village of Samaritans. This made John and James furious and they wanted to send fire from heaven to consume the Samaritans. Not a very neighborly thing to do.

Jesus rebuked them; he told James and John, this is not how we do things and he gave a series of teachings about how the disciples needed to set their priorities if they were going to follow him.

Last week’s reading was a bit of precursor to this reading, as now Jesus gets 70 people together, he’s not just talking to the 12. And now he’s giving specific instructions to this larger group as he sends them out ahead of him to the towns and places he is going.

No more of this raining down fire from heaven, here’s what I want you all to do:

First of all, “the harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few.” So we need laborers. What a great place to start. It’s out there, there is abundance—this work you are doing is needed. Given the reception in the last village, that might not be a foregone conclusion to some of Jesus’s disciples, but he sees abundance where others might see scarcity.

“Go on your way. See, I am sending you out like lambs into the midst of wolves. Carry no purse, no bag, no sandals; and greet no one on the road.”

Whenever I hear “sending you out like lambs into the midst of wolves,” I am waiting for that qualifying line, “so be as wise as serpents, but as innocent as doves.” But that’s from Matthew’s Gospel, we don’t get that spelled out in Luke. The disciples just go out like lambs.

Jesus is sending these 70 followers out into a hostile world that may not receive them well, and instead of arming them for battle, he points out their vulnerability. Not only will we not call down fire from heaven, you all are going out like lambs. No purse, or bag, or sandals.

Sending them out as lambs, he is sending them intentionally vulnerable, vulnerable by design. Why would he do that?

If you Google vulnerability today, it’s a guarantee that you will find a slew of quotes from social worker and storyteller Brene Brown. And here is a quote of hers from a book study we did that speaks to what Jesus may have had in mind:

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” (Brene Brown, “Daring Greatly”)

Alright, Jesus. We’re getting vulnerable. Now what?

Go to their homes. Offer them peace. If they share in the peace you offer, it will rest on that person, if not it comes back to you. You are going to depend on the people in that house, eating and drinking whatever they give you.

Whenever you enter a town and they welcome you, eat what they give you, cure the sick and tell them the kingdom of God has come near to you.

If a town doesn’t welcome you, it’s the same message, the kingdom of God has come near.

One of the things that strikes me about this reading, Jesus isn’t teaching them theology, he isn’t giving them Scripture 101, he is instructing them in how to interact with people. How to go about their work, dependent on those in the towns and places the disciples are sent to.

In thinking about this, Franciscan Richard Rohr writes:

“All of Jesus’ rules of ministry here, his ‘tips for the road,’ are very interpersonal. They are based on putting people in touch with people. Person-to-person is the way the gospel was originally communicated. Person-in-love-with-person, person-respecting-person, person-forgiving-person, person-touching-person, person-crying-with-person, person-hugging-person: that’s where the Spirit is so beautifully present.” (Richard Rohr, “The Good News According to Luke”)

In fact, Rohr goes so far as to say, “The gospel happens between two or more people.”

Now, this is something to kick around a bit. Say I am sitting at home in the morning, having my coffee and prayer time, reading my Bible or doing a devotional, and I have a Holy Spirit moment. I feel touched by God; my heart is on fire; I see the interconnectedness of all people; I see how God’s love flows back and forth between us all; I am sure in my heart that I am a child of God.

Then I cut the grass. And I go to the grocery store. And I go about my business. And that realization I had in the morning has no apparent impact on my life. It doesn’t translate into how I love, how I treat other people, how I live.

Have I been true to the realization? If all I do is go to church services and read my Bible, and listen to sermons and music: has love, has grace transformed my life?

Here is one of Rohr’s most impactful thoughts for me. He says:

“The most a preacher does is entice you, attract you, and call you out of yourself to live a new kind of life. But the gospel cannot happen in your head alone. You never think yourself into a new way of living. You invariably “live” yourself into a new way of thinking.”

You don’t THINK yourself into a new way of LIVING. You LIVE yourself into a new way of THINKING.

I wonder if that’s what Jesus has in mind sending his disciples out: that you are going to learn and experience things on the road that I can’t simply teach you here, no matter how brilliant and deep the parable is.

You’ve got to get out there and take this peace, this good news, to others. That’s where the gospel is, that’s where love is, in our interactions with people. That’s where Jesus, that’s where Scripture, and that’s where the Holy Spirit sends us. Out.

When we open ourselves to this interpersonal gospel, this gospel that happens between two or more people, that’s where lasting transformation can happen. I know we are in an era of self-love, and self-love is hugely important—we get ourselves into trouble if we try to love our neighbor as ourselves, but we loathe ourselves, rather than love ourselves. Love yourself for sure.

But love ultimately calls us outside ourselves. Love is bigger than us. And if love is the most powerful force in the world… if God is love and we belong to God… it’s living out this love and experiencing what happens when it is shared and multiplied, that then changes our lives, and the world, in meaningful ways.

Jesus gives his 70 disciples his “tips for the road” and sends them out. And they come back filled with joy saying, Jesus! You were right! In your name even the demons submit to us!”

And Jesus says, “Right??” I’ve seen all this happen and I’ve given you this authority and it will keep you safe.

“Nevertheless, do not rejoice at this, that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven.”

How do we make sense of that? David Lose, writing in “Feasting on the Word” says:

“Jesus declares there is something even more significant than the triumph of the 70… what matters more than the earthly and spiritual successes of Jesus’ followers is the eternal relationship with God they enjoy through him. This relationship is theirs by grace, for they are simultaneously recipients of, and heralds to, the grace and mercy of God embodied in Jesus.”

Jesus knew they were going to have success in the towns and places he sent them. He wanted them to experience that and that was exactly what they needed. And it’s exactly what we need from time to time.

But not all days are going to be like that and not all our encounters with people are going to be infused with love and leave us feeling love. What’s more important than the success of our ministries or our evangelism, is our relationship with God, which we experience through Jesus.

This relationship is theirs, and ours, by grace. And I love this: we are simultaneously RECIPIENTS OF, and HERALDS TO the grace and mercy of God embodied in Jesus.

Let’s go back to our morning coffee revelation, the one we experience by ourselves. There we have the realization: we are the recipients of God’s grace and love. Let’s think of it as light in a frequently dark world.

If we keep that light to ourselves, it doesn’t do much to spread the light that the world needs to get out of the darkness. So we take that light and we become heralds TO it, this grace and love that we are shown in Jesus.

Jesus sends the 70 disciples, and us, out with this light. He sends us out to others, in humility and vulnerability, asking us to be dependent on him and on those who we encounter.

But don’t lose focus. There will be great days. There will be crappy days. There will be in-between days. And sometimes all three in one day.

We can’t control those things. What we can do is rejoice and be grateful for our relationship with God. That we get to do this work, that we get to experience and share this light, this grace; that God is with us, and that this good news, this gospel of love that we share, is exactly what the world needs right now.

The 2025 Christ Church Easton/Diocese of Easton Mission Team in Wilmington, NC.

Let’s pray: Lord, you give us stories in Scripture for our learning, so that we can find you and find ourselves in them. Help us hear what your story is saying to each of our hearts. Let us locate where you are calling us, and how to amend our lives by your love and grace, so we can get there. And help us receive, experience, and share your gospel, your good news, in the world, with each other.

Amen.

Kindness, blessing, and the eyes of Jesus

From Ash Wednesday to Easter. A journey, a transformation, and one of the most intentional and richest parts of our liturgical calendar.

Our Lenten e-mail prompt and discussion of John O’Donohue’s book, “To Bless the Space Between Us,” was rich, meaningful, and eye-opening. It was a continuing and deepening conversation with 20 people which included the Eastern Shore, Vermont, and even photos and stories sent from Finland.

One of the purposes of the book for O’Donohue was/is to get us thinking about “blessing” differently, and that blessings can take many forms, not always something that we would wish, ask for, or even want. Sometimes blessings can be the sun and sometimes the silver lining.

The last section of the book is “To Retrieve the Lost Art of Blessing.” It is an intentional walk through a way of seeing. Here are a few early quotes:

“Something deep in the human soul seems to depend on the presence of kindness; something instinctive in us expects it, and once we sense it, we are able to trust and open ourselves.”

“Kindness has gracious eyes; it is not small-minded or competitive; it wants nothing back for itself. Kindness strikes a resonance with the depths of your own heart; it also suggests that your vulnerability, though somehow exposed, is not taken advantage of; rather it has become an occasion for dignity and empathy.

“Despite all the darkness, human hope is based on the instinct that at the deepest level of reality some intimate kindness holds sway. This is the heart of blessing. To believe in blessing is to believe that our being here, our very presence in the world, is itself the first gift, the primal blessing.”

That last paragraph especially: to see life itself as the first gift, the most basic blessing. Despite all the darkness.

We’ve just gone through an entire liturgical season that sees light overcome what seemed like the ultimate darkness. When faced with what seemed like the end, death, God shows us more, that new life overcomes death. That hope is not in vain, but intrinsic and ever-present, if we will see it.

Over the course of our group discussion, participants responded with pictures of the Northern Lights in Finland and an Assateague camping sunrise.

The Resurrection is nuanced and layered in its meanings. One of the things it did was give credibility to Jesus being who he said he was. And it made the disciples for the next few generations, reflect back on what Jesus said and did, to the point of writing it down so that it could be passed down.

Many writers and theologians point out that Jesus’s words to his disciples were “follow me,” not “worship me.” It’s really a both-and situation, we can do both; and worship is a perfect response to God. But a problem over the years has been and continues to be that many Christians are content with worshipping ( and “believing” without living or living into any of that belief) and have dropped the following aspect of our faith.

Following Jesus means living like he did, loving like he did, doing our best to emulate his example. In John’s Gospel, Jesus gives the disciples (and us) the new commandment of “loving each other as I have loved you.” which he says knowing he is about to be arrested and put to death. That’s what his love looks like–sacrificing himself for the love of his friends and for humanity.

When we look at kindness through the example and eyes of Jesus, we have a sense of what we are called to do and who we are called to be.

O’Donohue closes his book with the poem, “The Eyes of Jesus”–

I imagine the eyes of Jesus
Were harvest brown,
The light of their gazing
Suffused with the seasons:

The shadow of winter.
The mind of spring,
The bues of summer,
And amber of harvest.

A gaze that is perfect sister
to the kindness that dwells
In his beautiful hands.

The eyes of Jesus gaze on us,
Stirring in the heart’s clay
The confidence of seasons
That never lose their way to harvest.

This gaze knows the signature
Of our heartbeat, the first glimmer
From the dawn that dreamed our minds,

The crevices where thoughts grow
Long before the longing in the bone
Sends them toward the mind’s eye,

The artistry of the emptiness
That knows to slow the hunger
Of outside things until they weave
Into the twilight side of the heart.

A gaze full of all that is still future
Looking out for us to glimpse
The jeweled light in winter stone,

Quickening the eyes that look at us
To see through to where words
Are blind to say what we would love,

Forever falling softly on our faces,
His first gaze plies the soul with light,
Laying down a luminous layer

Beneath our brief and brittle days
Until the appointed dawn comes
Assured and harvest deft

To unravel the last black knot
And we are back home in the house
That we have never left.

The eyes of Jesus are a way of seeing and a way of being, in terms of how we see and treat each other. O’Donohue talks about the way Jesus sees us, his gaze, and describes it in a way that should make us feel like we are loved before we do or say anything. Our souls are loved, as well as our bodies and minds. Do we allow ourselves to feel seen and loved that way?

Following Jesus means to try to look at ourselves, each other, and Creation with these eyes and this love.

Why do we take a journey through Lent? Why do we try to take in, reflect on, pray on, the Passion/suffering of Jesus over Holy Week? Why do we celebrate Jesus’s Resurrection?

I hope that at least part of the reason is to allow ourselves to be transformed, to become more Christ-like, to live and love like Jesus, which is to experience the kingdom of God and to do our part to help bring that kingdom, that love, to others, and play whatever role we can in bringing the kingdom here.

May we feel the eyes of Jesus gazing on us.
May we be the eyes of Jesus gazing on others.

May we know the love of Jesus, who became one of us, showed us how to live and how to love, gave his life for us, and then showed us that his love, God’s love, is greater than death, overcomes death and brings us to eternal life.

May we be the love of Jesus for everyone we encounter. And echoing Fr. Gregory Boyle, everyone: no exceptions.

States of Heart: Equilibrium

“The heart is where the beauty of the human spirit comes alive… To be able to feel is a great gift. When you feel for someone, you become united with that person in an intimate way; your concern and compassion come alive, drawing some of the other person’s world and spirit into yours. Feeling is the secret bridge that penetrates solitude and isolation… All feeling is born in the heart. This makes the human heart the true jewel of the world.”
–John O’Donohue, “To Bless the Space Between Us”

It all comes back to the heart. This week in our ongoing Lenten discussion of John O’Donohue’s book, “To Bless the Space Between Us,” we’ve reached the “States of the Heart” section. How we find our heart is how we find the world.

O’Donohue continues the thoughts from above with:

“The state of one’s heart inevitably shapes one’s life; it is ultimately the place where everything is decided.

– A courageous heart will go forth and engage with life despite confusion and fear.
– A fearful heart will be hesitant and will tend to hold back.
– A heavy heart will make for a gloomy, unlived life.
– A compassionate heart need never carry the burden of judgment.
– A forgiving heart knows the art of liberation.
– A loving heart awakens the spirit of possibility and engagement with others.

Let’s shoot for courageous, compassionate, forgiving, and loving. States of heart are something we can feel, learn, cultivate, practice.

The blessing/poem of O’Donohue’s we focused on today was “For Equilibrium.” I struggle with balance. It feels like I have 50 things going on and then I collapse for a spell, catch my breath, gather up what’s around me, and then pick up speed again. It’s something I am working on. So moments like sitting in the Oxford Park at sunset on Monday to feel the breeze on my face; or walking uptown to grab lunch and stretching my legs on the walk back; or finding a few minutes to skateboard, sit on the shore and listen to birds–those moments are big and balance out some of the busier times.

After late evenings leading class and our Wednesday evening Lenten service, equilibrium this morning was parking at the Oxford Conservation Park and skateboarding over to the cemetery to sit under my thinking/praying tree. I started reading Maggie Smith’s “Dear Writer,” jotted down a few thoughts, then sat quietly and turned on the Merlin Bird App’s Sound ID.

There were some of the standards: Red-Winged Blackbird, Northern Cardinal, House Finch, Carolina Wren. There was the familiar Osprey cry that has just come home. And then there was the gift: Pine Warbler.

I have mentioned before that I am Warbler-obsessed. I dig any Warbler encounter and they generally tend to be spring or fall around here.

I can’t recall if I have come across a Pine Warbler. Either way, I love their presence; it sang/called multiple times so that I got to know and recognize it when I heard it. The Pine Warbler made a cool and special moment above and beyond the other times I have come to sit by the water and find my balance.

Here is O’Donohue’s “For Equilibrium”–

Like the joy of the sea coming home to shore,
May the relief of laughter rinse through your soul.

As the wind loves to call things to dance,
May your gravity be lightened by grace.

Like the dignity of moonlight restoring the earth,
May your thoughts incline with reverence and respect.

As water takes whatever shape it is in,
So free may you be about who you become.

As silence smiles on the other side of what’s said,
May your sense of irony bring perspective.

As time remains free of all that it frames,
May your mind stay clear of all it names.

May your prayer of listening deepen enough
To hear in the depths the laughter of God.

I love that it is laughter and grace and reverence and freedom that he uses to give us back our sense of equilibrium. And to pull these things to our attention O’Donohue uses the joy of the sea, the wind, moonlight, silence, time, and listening. Things that we can encounter frequently, if not every day.

Equilibrium and balance can also be about perspective. Part of what can call us back into equilibrium when life feels out of balance is remembering the big stuff, what is important, zooming out to a more cosmic or Creation-based perspective. Listen to The Avett Brothers “No Hard Feelings” and see if your sense of balance isn’t shifted to a more thoughtful, introspective place in terms of where we want to put our time and energy.

Since I was a teenager, I have felt that when I am surfing back and forth on a skateboard, life’s worries drop off behind me, just for a minute.

Today, may you hold in your heart the people, places, memories, and dreams you hold dear and let them balance you.